A Glimpse into the Madness
by JL Howie
Summary: From Karofsky's point of view, his feelings, how he feels about Kurt, etc. etc.
1. The Animal Inside Me

**This is just something I wanted to dabble in, Karofsky's point of view. I might make it a series if I get some more inspiration, but yeah. Tell me what you think!**

Have you ever been so scared of your own feelings, you locked yourself away? Cut off everyone and everything around you? Hurt those you love the most? Well I have. I have created a façade, another person to cover the animal inside me. But the thing is, the façade is the monster, and the person inside? Well, I'm almost too scared of him to find out.

I used to be sure of myself, I was this strong, out going, funny guy. Then he came along. The one person who could have destroyed me the whole time, but I never knew until I saw him walk, saw his lips move in such a way that it was mesmerizing. I had always been disgusted by the different, but on him it looked right, beautiful even. He was the first person who ever made me feel that way. And I hated it. Resented it. How dare he rile me up like that, how dare he make me feel something I didn't want. But the thing was I did want it, I craved it. And that was my first glimpse of the person inside of me. The person who was different. The person who craved Kurt Hummel. That's the day I became the façade, my monster.

I started throwing the slushies, I started bullying, I let my friends, or whatever you call them, persuade me into ridiculing the people I so yearned to join. But I couldn't. They were different and I was normal. I was the high school jock. They were gleeks. They were the enemy. It was so simple, but I could never wrap my head around it, not completely.

The person inside me beat inside me all the time. But I had driven him inside so much I mistook him for my heartbeat. My only connection to the madness within, but it's only now, only now that I'm writing this down that I understand. I was not mad within, I was mad on the outside. Mad in all senses of the word.


	2. Quivering Lips Beneath Mine

**Uhm I got some really nice reviews on the first chapter of this, so I thought I'd continue. The paragraphs are really choppy, but I think that's kind of how Karofsky's brain works, so I went with it. They also range from past to present. Tell me if this is good or bad, please. Thanks for reading **

Let me get this straight before anyone judges me, well, actually, that ship has sailed, but I can at least explain myself. I am capable of love. I've tried, I've gone on dates, I've tried to ogle at the cheerleaders, but it just never felt right. I always felt like I was forcing myself to stare, not like everyone else. I always thought I'd be a great actor, because that's all I ever did. Act like I… act like I was straight.

You have no idea how good that feels, to get that off my chest. I'm gay and now I have no one to impress. No one who cares. I ran away from my feelings, and the only person who I care about, well, more like I made _him_ run away. But I'm going to fix all this, I'm going to fix my mistakes and get who I want. Kurt Hummel.

I thought up ways to contact Kurt, to hear his voice, but they were all shit, considering I would have to talk and he was probably terrified of me. Those words, those three words had destroyed him, and they had destroyed me. "I'll kill you." They flow so easily off the tongue. An empty threat I've delivered to me friends a million times over, but I wasn't kidding with Kurt, I was scared, the façade was scared, he was going to blow my cover, and I couldn't have that, could I? So I threatened him, and now here I am. All I have is this damn wedding topper and the memory of his quivering lips beneath mine.

I've stolen before, but nothing like this. When I was five I stole some gum from a local pharmacy. I've been stealing money from my dad's wallet for years, but this was different, this was something I've never done before. I stole a number. It sounds stupid, not worth the risk, oh but it was, it was a number from a glee member's phone, and it was Kurt's number. His number was quickly entered into my phone, and the phone was swiftly returned to its rightful owner, they were none the wiser. Day after day I would stare at that number, it seemed like it stared back, taunting me, daring me to punch call. And one day I gave in.

To hear his voice that one time almost scared me.

"Hello? Who is this?" The question in his voice, the slight lisp, the annoyance behind them, I hung up, unable to deal with it. Unable to deal with how he would react if he recognized my voice.

Today I look back on how ignorant I've been. I made up stupid names, I called my fists 'the fury' to impress him, all this shit I've done in the hopes that he wouldn't take my threats seriously. I hoped that he would look past my words and see me, see the true me, not the monster I threw in his face. But he never did. Like I said, I am a great actor.


	3. The Nod of His Head

**I'm sorry I'm so bad at updating, but I have had mad writers block. So here! I hope you enjoy.**

Today I did something I promised I'd never do. I went to his school, the school that was taking him away from me. I stumbled into that front office and asked for him.

"Kurt Hummel"

The secretary handed me a map with a highlighted dorm room. I thanked her graciously and nearly ran to the dorm, getting lost often in my haste. I slipped into an air-conditioned room that looked nearly as big as my house, and twice as expensive. I crossed to the nearest person, who was stretched over a lush looking couch. I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Have you seen Kurt Hummel?" I asked. It barely came out, in a sort of whisper. He nodded suspiciously at me and pointed up at a spiral staircase.

"Third door on your right, directly up the stairs. He might be busy though." The last few words were lost on me, because I was already swiftly making my way up the stairs. I counted down the doors and pushed open the third, forgetting about knocking in my haste.

I stopped abruptly and gaped down at two boys sprawled on a love seat together, they were so intertwined I couldn't tell if it was Kurt or not, well, until he looked up at me, face red. He jumped off of the other boy, someone I didn't recognize, and gaped at me. He was at loss for words, and so was I. The other boy stood up and smoothed his wrinkled uniform. He looked scared. Probably because that was the first time I ever let my monster shake its head. I was angry, and I probably looked the part.

"W-What are you d-doing here?" Kurt stammered at me. I looked down and ignored him, I heard the boy cross the room to where Kurt now stood, huddled in a corner. Right then I regretted coming here. I regretted every decision I ever made.

"Kurt," The boy addressed Hummel, "Is this him?" Then I realized what me being here must have done to Kurt. I was who he was running from. I was his nightmare, and now I was forcing myself on him. I took a step back, my eyes still glued to Kurt, whose eyes were now leaking. I fled then, I ran out of the dorm and out into the campus. I sat down hard onto a bench and buried my face in my hands. I didn't notice that Kurt's… well whatever he was had followed me.

"Why did you come here" He asked me. But how could I answer? What could I say? That I came to terms with myself, and the fact that I was in love with Kurt? No, I couldn't say that. So I didn't answer.

"Are you his boyfriend?" I asked instead. The nod of his head, I think, was what hurt the most. That nod was worse than if he had screamed "YES" as loud as he could in my face. I wish he had looked angry, not full of pity.

Suddenly I was up and running. Fleeing from the place that now held both my dreams and nightmares. That was the day I decided something. The day I decided to start writing this letter.

**A/N I know this is sort of short, but I needed to end it on that cliffhanger. I think I'll only make this a few more chapters. Heads up, Kurt and Karofsky don't end up together, sorry, my loves.**


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